Imam Hasan al-Askari (peace be upon him) said:
“Whoever advises his brother in private has adorned him, and whoever advises him openly has disgraced him.”
The one who wishes well for his friend and his fellow believer should be like a mirror. The mirror shows a person’s faults honestly, without exaggerating or diminishing them—it shows them exactly as they are.[1]
Giving advice to others has its own etiquette. One of the manners of advice is that the dignity and position of the person being advised must be preserved, and our advice should not cause their humiliation. This is achieved when we sincerely point out their faults privately to them, and not in front of others, as public admonition may lead to embarrassment. Open and public advice often has no effect and can cause the person to become defensive and stubborn. Thus, the least respectful manner of advising and counseling is doing so sincerely and privately.
For example, if a supervisor notices a mistake by an employee, or a teacher sees a fault in a student, or if we see a flaw in a friend, relative, or acquaintance, advising them privately and discreetly may have a greater impact. This approach might encourage them to take the necessary steps to correct themselves. In this way, not only are they directed towards moral virtues and away from vices, but their social reputation remains intact because of this thoughtful action. This is the “adornment” referred to in Imam al-Askari’s hadith. However, if, God forbid, we criticize them in front of their colleagues, students, or in public among friends and relatives, we not only damage their reputation but also fail to help them improve.
It’s also important to remember that just as giving advice has its own etiquette, receiving advice has its own manners as well. One of these is “accepting advice.” When we see someone genuinely pointing out our faults with good intentions, we should not take offense or assume they have malicious intent. Instead, we should accept the advice and work on correcting ourselves.
Let us follow Imam al-Askari’s guidance and strive to adorn our friends and fellow believers. Let us offer sincere advice, and also humbly accept the advice and guidance of others.
(Adapted from the book “The Wisdoms of al-Askari,” written by “Javad Mughaddasi” with slight additions)
Footnotes:
[1] (Tuhaf al-Uqul, page 489)